WINTER 2005 - PENSACOLA, FLORIDA USA
 Old
Man Winter is just upon us and maybe in your part of Florida (or
in your state), it's too cold to go outside dip a paddle on your
favorite river or coastal area. We know the feeling and want to
help "warm you up" with some friendly kayak and canoe
humor. Most of these jokes were scraped together from emails,
websites and there are even a few originals in the mix. Enjoy!
Here we go:
Florida Kayaker: It was so hot today I saw
a pelican picking fish out of the water with a pair of tongs.
---
While paddling off the Florida coast, a tourist
capsized his kayak. He could swim, but his fear of alligators
kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any
gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back,
"they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the
tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway
there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The
sharks got 'em."
---
Two Inuits sitting in a kayak were getting
cold so they decided to light a fire in their boat. It promptly
sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak
and heat it too.
---
Two canoeists were paddling down the river,
when they hit a concrete wall. One looked at the other and said,
dam!
---
The New Zealand kayaker wrote
to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for
a potential mate and would not accept anyone that doesn't meet
his standards. He went on to explain the young lady must be cute,
short, enjoys cold water and paddling.
He received a reply the following week. It contained
a picture of a penguin.
---
Florida Canoeist: Did you have a nice summer?
Canadian Canoeist: Yes indeed, we had a great paddle that afternoon!
---
Why did the elephant rent a canoe? Frankly,
I don't know, but I wish someone would find out--he's sunk five
of our boats in the last week alone.
---
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Canoe.
Canoe, who?
Canoe lend me some money?
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Kayak.
Kayak, who?
Kay-YAKing and start paddling!
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Genoa.
Genoa, who?
Genoa a good canoe builder?
---
An expedition kayaker gets lost in a chain
of deserted islands. Paddling well after sunset he finally camps
on a sandy beach. He wakes up and notices the sand is dark red.
The sky is dark red. He walks around and sees that there is dark
red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark
red too.
"Oh no!" he says, "I've been marooned!"
---
A recreational kayaker, a canoeist, and an
old salt sailor went into a bar and ordered a beer. Each found
a fly in their beer.
The recreational kayaker looked in his beer and said, "hey
bartender I have a fly in my beer. Give me another beer."
The canoeist looked in his beer, found the fly, reached in an
picked it out and continued drinking.
The old salt sailor looked in his beer, saw the fly, grabbed
it by the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit
it out, Spit it out!"
---
Funny Q&A:
Q: What do Florida Paddlers use
for money?
A: Sand Dollars
Q: Where do they keep their money?
A: In a River Bank
Q: Where do they go for a beer?
A: The Oyster Bar
Q: How do you tell if water is
fresh?
A: Yell at it. If it talks back, it's fresh.
Q: How do you get a heavy canoe
out of the water?
A: Wet
Q: What is a rodeo kayaker's
love life like?
A: 45 seconds.
Q: What do rafters call kayakers?
A: Speed bumps.
Q: Why do kayakers wear sandals?
A: So they can count past 10.
Q: What's the difference between
a kayaker and a catfish?
A: One is always wet, has whiskers and smells bad. The other one's
a fish.
Q: What's the difference between
a whitewater kayak instructor and a US Savings Bond?
A: A Savings Bond matures after twenty-five years.
Q. How many Florida kayakers
does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Don't know for sure, they're still counting.
Q: How many old canoeists does
is take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to slowly screw in the bulb and one to tell a long,
boring story about it...
Q: Why did the kayaker cross
the Atlantic?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: What do you get when you cross
a creek and a river?
A: Wet feet.
---
A blonde driving down some rural highway spots
another blonde in a kayak, trying to paddle across a soybean field.
She gets out of her car and calls out to the "kayak"
blonde, "It's blondes like you, that give blondes like me
a bad name! I'd go over there and kick your butt, if I could swim!"
---
Three old paddlers are drifting gently downriver
on a quiet Sunday morning when a funeral procession drives by.
One of the old men takes off his hat & puts it over his heart.
The procession disappears into the distance; the old man puts
his hat back on, picks up his paddle and continues on his way.
One of the other old guys says, "Hey, Fred, that was thoughtful
of you". Fred replies "Well, it was the least I could
do after 40 years of marriage."
---
Two morons in a rented canoe
go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the dock.
1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those
fish.
2nd moron: Yes, I made an "X" on the side of the boat
to mark the spot.
1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?
---
Overheard Florida Kayak Guide
to tourist: See those alligators over there? We have trained them
to stay perfectly still so you can take better pictures.
---
More Florida Kayak Guide: You know, the alligators are always
looking for a hand out. Be careful, I once had an English teacher
on a trip and she didn't listen to me and now she's teaching shorthand.
Happy Holidays,
Ed Schessl
FloridaKayaker@gmail.com
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